December 1995: In the grand tradition of all those evil guys in the old cartoon specials, Matt and I decided to stop Christmas this year. We don't have a lot of hobbies, okay? Unfortunately, we couldn't find any giant musical clocks to break, or cans of Who Hash to steal, so we had to get creative. Here, then, are our...

12 Ways To Stop Christmas
(Get it? One for each day.)

1. Drink all the egg nog. Straight from the cartons, standing right in the dairy aisles. We're cutting you off at the source.

2. Wrap all our gifts with a thick coat of mayonnaise.

3. Snow man? Try giant Snow Bea Arthur!

4. You know those little glass things that you shake, and it snows inside? We're replacing the snow with bacon bits.

5. Release the hounds!

6. Send a threatening letter to Jose Feliciano: "This year, you're Feliz NaviDEAD!"

7. While cars are stopped at red lights, bang on their windows with broom handles and scream "Figgy pudding!"

8. Play air hockey and get Mexican food. (Okay, we'd be doing this anyway, but come on - even cold-hearted fiends need some fun time.)

9. Crawl on our bellies like snakes.

10. And on every street corner you hear... us, yelling "Hey, Santa! You're a jerk!"

11. Lay a finger aside of other people's noses.

12. Start our own competing holiday: The Feast of Judd Nelson.

Post-Christmas update: In case you hadn't noticed, we failed: Christmas happened after all. You see, Matt's tiny heart grew three sizes that day. Meanwhile, a lunatic elf pulled all my teeth out, and now all I can do is put the stars on top of the trees. Of course, we would have gotten away with it, if not for those meddling kids and their dog.

[Vote] [Contest] [Pie] [Bon Jovi] [Christmas] [The Misers]